Break
by RedKanary
Summary: Mello is not one to relax and take things easy. How much stress can he take before he breaks? NOTE: Story is currently being rewritten and updated. All old chapters stay until the revised copy is finished.
1. Prologue

**UPDATE: I'm currently working on a revised version of this. If this is your first time reading, you can read either this version or the new version. Chapter one of the new version starts on chapter 10. These first nine will be deleted after revisions are complete :)**

**AN: I've never written a fanfic before. Don't hurt me. Also: I rated this M just to be safe. So far, I think there's just some language. **

Mello's POV

"Knockout!" The TV in the other room boomed. Matt was playing some stupid video game again; one he'd beat a million times yet never seemed to tire of.

"Matt! Turn that down! I'm trying to read!" I shouted. The sound in the other room went completely silent, and for a moment, I thought Matt had muted the TV—but I knew him better than that. I had been lying on my stomach, and I now pushed myself up on my arms to look over my shoulder and saw Matt walk into our bedroom.

"You don't read." He said, standing beside the bed I was lying on.

"I… yeah, well…." I was going over some information for a case I was thinking about working on. Matt picked up one of the papers I had been reviewing, but didn't look at it for too long.

"Trying to beat Near again?" He asked, placing his hand on my shoulders. It was supposed to be a comforting gesture, but it only made me even more tense.

"Don't talk about Near." I spat out through clenched teeth.

He gently rubbed my back and sighed. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Who cares if you aren't like Near? I don't. I like my Mello just the way he is." He smiled, and I wanted to smile back as well as punch him in the face. Instead, I simply returned to my "work", if I could call it that. "Well, it's good to know my opinion matters." Matt said sardonically as he walked back out into the living room and resumed playing his game.

"Love you too, Matt." I said, my voice quiet—at least, quiet enough so that Matt wouldn't hear me. I'd never told him that I loved him.

I didn't read anything after that. I was distracted by more noises from Matt's fighting game and the thoughts that were now running through my own head. Do I love Matt? Does he love me back? He must; we were _living together_, after all.

When Matt finally lost the game (although I never checked the clock, I knew it took a while), he turned off the console and headed for the kitchen. I heard him open the pantry door, grab something, then close the door again. He walked into our bedroom, chocolate bar in hand, and offered it to me. "Why don't you try to relax for a little bit?" He said kindly.

I shuffled my papers around until they were all in one neat little stack and set them on the floor next to the bed, then patted the area next to me, wordlessly asking Matt to sit by me. He accepted my offer. After he was seated, I sat up so that I wouldn't have to crane my neck to look at him. I opened the chocolate bar that Matt had laid on the nightstand and offered him a bite before I sunk my teeth into the sweet delicacy.

After I'd finished my candy, Matt put an arm around my shoulders and brought me in close to him. Normally, I'd pull away and pretend that I didn't like his affection, but I was too exhausted to put up any fight right now, so I laid my head on his shoulder, closed my tired eyes, and fell asleep.

**I have a cookie.**

**Yay! My first fanfiction! I'm kind of… scared, actually. I don't know if this is really OOC, or if it'll end up being really bad… please don't hurt me! This chapter is pretty short :/ I'll try to write more next time :) When I first thought about writing this, it was going to be told from Matt's perspective, but then I actually did start writing this, it was from Mello's perspective, so… yeah. Some of the chapters will be from Matt's POV and some will be from Mello's. Just because I think I'm cool or something.**


	2. Near

Matt's POV

Mello was already awake when I woke up at about ten. He almost always woke up before I did, no matter how late he went to bed the night before. Like he had been before I had talked him into going to bed last night, he was reading furiously over some information. I don't know why he always tried so hard. No matter what he did, he never thought it was good enough. It was sad, really.

"Mel?"

"Hmm?" He responded without looking up from the array of papers spread across his desk.

"Wanna do something fun today?" I asked as I crawled out of bed, pushing pale blue sheets out of my way as I did so.

"I'm busy."

"Too busy for me?" I asked, putting on my best puppy-dog face.

He sighed. "Matt, I really can't right now…."

I ran my fingers through his golden hair. "Please, Melly? It'll be lots of fun." I stood behind the wooden chair he was sitting in and wrapped my arms around him. "Please?"

He sighed again and combed through his hair with his fingers. "I don't know, maybe in a while."

"Fine." I finally said, defeated. I pulled away from him then plopped down on our unmade bed, pulling my DS out of my jeans pocket as I did so. I had been playing Super Mario Bros—a classic—when I got an idea. I turned my DS off without even saving my game—something I _never _did—and stood up, stretching. "I think I'm gonna call Near and see if he wants to hang out. That okay with you, Mel?" I didn't really like Near, but if pretending got my Mello to spend time with me then I'd pretend.

Mello slammed his hand down on his desk and whipped his head back to look at me. He gave me a death glare as he growled, "What the hell did you just say?" For a minute or two, I thought he was going to leap out of his chair and rip me apart… but he didn't. He just waited for me to speak.

"I…" Crap, I'd really pissed him off, hadn't I? "I thought if you were busy, I could go do something with Near and leave you alone so you could work."

"You crafty bastard." He spat. "I'd be a little worried, but I know you won't do it."

"I won't?" I pulled out my cell and went through my address book, looking for Near's number. I was surprised I still had it. "There. All I have to do is press 'send'."

"Go ahead. Do it." He challenged.

I mentally punched myself in the face. Now, no matter what I did, I was going to make him angry. I could call Near… or I could _not_ call Near and tell Mello I was sorry; I'd only wanted to spend more time with him…. Although that seemed like the best option, I pressed the green button on my phone anyway. The phone rang, and Mello glared at me once more. Finally, Near picked up.

"Matt?" He sounded slightly annoyed.

"Hey, Near. How are you?"

There was a pause, then, "What do you want, Matt?"

"Do you want to hang out today?" I'm certain I sounded like a complete idiot.

"Not really."

"Are you sure?" I saw Mello smirk at this. He knew Near didn't like people, so he had nothing to worry about.

Near sighed. "Where do you want to go?" He sounded like a babysitter finally giving in to a small child's begging.

"We could go to the arcade!"

"That will be fine." He mumbled, not sounding very amused, though the arcade was something that would have made me jump for joy, if I wasn't in this awkward situation.

"Okay. Do you want to meet me there or should I pick you up?" Mello's jaw dropped when I said this. I was actually going to do something with Near, and not Mello. _My _jaw almost dropped.

"Either is fine."

"All right, I'll pick you up in a little bit. See you then!" I said, a little too enthusiastic. I hung up, not waiting for Near to say goodbye (though I doubted he would), then I closed my phone and returned it to my pocket.

Although Mello looked speechless, there was a lot he had to say. Most of his sentences were dripping with expletives, but I didn't really blame him.

"I could call him back and tell him something came up and _we_ could go to the arcade." I said after Mello had finished cussing me out.

"Or you could call him back and tell him something came up before I kick your ass." Mello swore, his hands clenched into fists.

"Are you mad, Mello?" I asked, trying to sound completely ignorant. "Do you not want me to spend time with Near?"

"Why the hell do you need Near? Am I not good enough for you?" He screamed. Shit. I'd hit a nerve.

"Mello, I didn't…." I dropped my head. "I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to have fun with you. You've been working too hard."

He shook his head. "Go." He commanded, pointing to the door.

"What?"

"Go. I don't want you here."

I opened my mouth to say something, but realized there was nothing I could say. I sighed, then turned to leave, grabbing my keys off of the nightstand as I walked out. Now I'd made Mello angry and I had to hang out with Near. Today already sucked.

Near was waiting for me outside when I pulled up. He twirled his hair as he got into the passenger seat, never bothering to say "Hello" or "How are you". Not that I'd expect anything different from Near.

"Where are we going?"

"The arcade?" I gave him a confused look. Shouldn't he know where we were going? He'd agreed to it over the phone.

"Oh."

"I told you that."

"Sorry, I got another call after I'd started talking to you, and I didn't hear anything you said until 'I'll pick you up in a little bit.'"

"So… you were talking to somebody else?"

"Yes."

Ouch. Not even Near wanted to hang out with me today.

After a painfully quiet ride, we finally arrived at the arcade. On any other bad day, the flashing lights and low-quality sound effects would have cheered me up instantly—but today was different. I'd really screwed up today.

Near and I walked inside; Near anxiously twirling his hair. I doubted he'd ever even _seen_ an arcade, much less been inside of one. I shoved a crumpled twenty dollar bill into a machine and gathered the tokens that fell out of it in my hand. I then took Near's hand and deposited the tokens there. "Go find some game you like. I'm gonna go out for a smoke." I needed a smoke.

When I returned—after not one, but _three_ cigarettes—I found Near standing in the same spot I had left him, his expressionless face unchanged. "Didn't see anything you wanted to play?"

"Why are you being nice to me?" He asked. He really knew how to get to the point.

"I don't know. Do you want me to be mean?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he took my hand and gave me the tokens back. I shoved them in my pocket. "You ready to go home?" Near nodded.

Although I'm sure Mello would be glad I wasn't around Near for too long, I doubt he'd be glad to see me back so soon. When I had left, I wasn't sure he ever wanted me to come back. But Mello wouldn't stay mad forever… right?

"Matt, are you upset about something?"

"What?" It was unlike Near to even _realize_ that something was wrong, but even more unlike him to care. "Why?"

"You're over the speed limit," he remarked, pointing to the speedometer.

He was right. In fact, I was thirty miles over the speed limit. I thanked whatever God was up there that I hadn't already gotten pulled over. I slowed down, then pondered whether or not I should tell Near what had happened. I needed to tell somebody before the stress made my head explode. I couldn't stand Mello being mad at me.

"Mello and I got into a fight." I sighed.

"Oh."

"I'm afraid if I go home, he'll just get even angrier. He's been working himself too hard, lately. He barely gets any sleep. I'm worried about him. I thought if he could stop stressing out all the time, he'd feel better, so I asked him to do something with me, but he yelled at me, and…." I sighed again.

Near didn't say anything. No "I'm sorry" or "I'm sure you'll work things out". I don't know why I was telling him all of this. What did it matter to him, anyway? I doubted he was even listening.

"Matt?"

"Hmm?"

"You're speeding again."

**I don't like Near. I mean, I don't hate him—at least, I don't think I do—but I don't really like him. When I was writing this, I was trying to come up with some way for Near to get injured. **

…**Maybe I do hate him….**


	3. Sleep

Matt's POV

I didn't want to see Mello right away. Well, okay, I did want to see him… I was just afraid of what he'd say when I walked in. I wondered if I should apologize. I wondered while I had a smoke. Well, a few smokes… about half a pack.

When I'd acquired a nice little group of eight or nine cigarette butts around my feet, I heard the front door open. "You better put that out right now. If you smell like smoke tonight, you're not gonna sleep with me."

I took one last puff on the smoke, then stomped it out under my boot. I was surprised Mello was letting me sleep in the same _room_ as him tonight, much less the same _bed_. "Does this mean you're not mad?" I asked hopefully.

"I'm still mad, but it's not like I'm gonna make you sleep outside or something." Apparently, he wasn't planning on making me sleep on the couch, either, so that was something. "How'd your date with that albino brat go?" He asked bitterly before turning and walking back inside.

"It was a waste. I didn't even play any games." I followed Mello in.

"What'd you expect? It's _Near_."

I shrugged. He had a point. "Are you done working?" I asked hopefully.

"No." He sat down on the floor in front of the couch and read through even more papers. Where was he getting this stuff, anyway?

I sighed. "You work too much."

"Maybe you just don't work enough." He replied.

I rolled my eyes. "What if we switched places for a day? Like you could be me and I could be you!" I leaned in closer to Mello. "Please?"

He gave me a brief, incredulous look before returning to his research. "No."

I thought for a moment. "What about if you be me and _I'll _be me and then we can _both_ have fun!"

"Matt, I'm really busy right now, okay?"

"You're always busy." I pouted like a schoolgirl does for her boyfriend.

He sighed, frustrated. "I need to work hard if I'm going to beat Near—"

"This is about Near?" I should have known. I'm sure I already did, somewhere in the back of my mind. "I guess everything's about Near…." I said under my breath.

"Are you gonna leave me alone now?"

I placed my hands on Mello's shoulders and massaged him gently. "I'm gonna go lie in bed for a while. Do you wanna come with me?" I whispered.

He closed his eyes for a moment, gently rocking back and forth as I rubbed his shoulders. "I guess… a little bit wouldn't hurt…." He said slowly, as if in a trance. I stood up, then extended my hand out to where he was sitting. I pulled him up and put an arm around him as we walked to the bedroom; his body leaning against mine.

I climbed into bed first, not bothering to do anything about the still-unmade sheets. Mello got in after me, and gently placed his head on my arm, looking up at the ceiling. We talked for a while, mostly about nothing, when I saw Mello's eyelids start to fall. "What time did you wake up this morning?" I asked.

"I don't know. Early."

"How early?"

"I don't know." He repeated, before drifting off into a quiet sleep. I stroked his hair for a while, liking how smooth it felt. He looked so beautiful when he was asleep. Not that he didn't look beautiful awake….

I finally got out of bed and pulled the covers up to Mello's chin, kissing him gently on the forehead before I walked out of the room. I know I'd tried so hard to get him to be around me, but I'd noticed last night before bed that we were almost out of chocolate. I'm sure Mello must have noticed this too, which could have partially explained his foul mood. I should have bought more chocolate this morning before I came home, but I'd forgotten.

I left a note for my sleeping friend on his desk in case he woke up before I returned, but I didn't think he would. His whole body looked tired—his hair wasn't styled like it usually was; he spent as little time as possible getting dressed—he was wearing neither his rosary nor his belt—and he was starting to look a bit like L under his eyes. "Sweet dreams, Mel." I whispered as I stepped out onto the porch and quietly shut the front door behind me.

When I returned, not even a half-hour later, I saw Mello had stirred, if not awoken, sometime while I was gone. In my absence, he had moved to my side of the bed and was hugging my pillow tightly in his arms. "I'm home," I said softly, setting a bar of chocolate on the nightstand beside our bed. He didn't move at the sound of my voice, so I assumed he was asleep. I climbed into bed with him and watched him slumber the whole night.

**This chapter was supposed to be longer, but I've been busy and I wanted to update this story and what I'm planning next isn't going to be as happy as this was, so I wanted to leave you all with a cute moment. Poor Mello, always so tired….**


	4. Meeting

Mello's POV

For what was I think the first time since we'd started living together, Matt had woken up before me. He was lying next to me—close enough so we were touching—playing his PSP. I looked at the digital alarm clock beside me. The bright red numbers seemed to laugh at me. Nine A.M. I'd slept in.

I was mad at Matt—he _knew_ I hated sleeping in late—but, I had to admit, I _did_ enjoy relaxing and being with him yesterday. I know I didn't deserve it, but it was… nice.

Before I could think any more meaningless thoughts, I jumped out of bed and went to get dressed. "Finally up, huh?" Matt asked, not looking up from his game. I could have yelled at him, and on a normal day I would have, but I had too much to do today. Not only did I have to look good, but I had to make sure I studied enough so I'd be able to be around Near without looking like a complete idiot. Near, Matt and I, and perhaps a few others, were invited to a meeting with L. I didn't want to go, but Matt said we had to.

I didn't see what the point was. We were all just a bunch of losers who didn't really want to see each other. At least, I didn't want to see them.

I thought more about the reason behind this gathering while I changed clothes. Last night, I'd slept in my clothes, but I'd had the same outfit hanging in my closet, so I had clean clothes for today. I was wearing my vest and my leather pants as usual, as well as my jacket. If L didn't like that, then he'd just have to not invite me again. I wasn't going to dress up for anybody.

While Matt stayed in bed, I read—and reread—some more case notes I'd gathered. I was hoping Near hadn't picked up the case yet. That way, when I brought it up tonight, I'd already be ahead of him…and with any luck, L, too.

After a while, my head started to hurt and I wasn't able to think, and then realized that I hadn't been checking the time and now we'd be late to meet L. I looked past Matt, who still hadn't budged, and saw that only an hour had passed. Had my mind really started to fail me after only a mere hour? I groaned, and threw all the papers I had been reviewing on the floor. "Matt!" I shouted, not bothering to quell my anger. "Get dressed! We have to leave in a half hour! You're driving!" I stomped out of the room, my bare feet kicking more than a few things on the way to the kitchen. I grabbed a chocolate bar off the table and ripped the paper off, not caring where it landed.

Matt came out of the bedroom a few minutes later, his PSP still in hand, but turned off. "Are you ready to go?" He asked, his eyes not meeting mine, and I felt a little bad for screaming at him, but didn't apologize.

"Yeah. Here." I tossed him the keys, and surprisingly, he caught them. We walked out to the car in silence. Matt started the engine and rolled down his window while I sat with my arms crossed, pouting like a child. I still didn't see why we had to go. I understood that we were invited by L, and he was supposedly the world's best detective and he was _amazingly_ smart and blah, blah, blah… but so what? He wasn't God. I could turn him down.

"Mello?"

"Huh?" Matt had caught me off guard.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For… for making you mad." He said slowly, and I doubted he even knew what he was apologizing for.

"Don't worry about it."

The rest of our long journey was silent, and although no silence between us had ever been painful before, this one was. We finally arrived at the hotel L had specified a few towns away, and walked side-by-side to the entrance. Although it wasn't something I normally did, I reached out and grabbed Matt's hand, holding it in mine. He looked confused for a split second, but then smiled.

L had told us to ask for a woman named Miriam when we got to the front desk. We were then supposed to tell Miriam that we were here for the "meeting"—L had never specified what kind of meeting, so I was assuming Miriam knew what we were talking about—and she would then give us L's room number and a key. To be honest, I had expected something much more complicated from L.

Both L and Near were waiting for us when we arrived. I awkwardly stood before the two, not wanting to sit down. Matt was already lying on the floor, playing his PSP. He wasn't exactly invited, but I—rather, he—had talked L into letting him tag along with me.

"Glad you could make it. I'm L." The slouching man extending his hand, which I shook. He then asked me to sit down. "Would you like anything to eat or drink?" He asked Near and I both, and we both declined. "That's a shame. It won't bother you if I have cake, will it?" I doubt he really cared whether it bothered us or not; he'd already been eating when I'd arrived. "I've invited you both here to talk about a case with you. Recently, there has been a series of murders in Europe." He handed us each a manila envelope. I opened mine right away, and scanned some of the information quickly, while Near waited for L to finish speaking.

As soon as Near looked at the first page of data, he returned the entire stack of papers to the envelope. "I'm already aware of this case, and I've been looking into it for a while, but I'm not sure whether or not I want to pick it up." Near had already studied the case? That brat was always one step ahead of me, wasn't he?

"I see. What about you, Mello?"

"I'm aware of this, too."

"And your thoughts?"

"My… thoughts?"

"Are you going to take the case or not?"

"I don't know."

"Oh." He seemed slightly disappointed. He hadn't gotten a "yes" answer from neither Near nor I. "I haven't looked into the case too much, myself, but I'd like to do more with it soon. If either of you do decide to investigate, please let me know. Both of you working together could be a great help to me."

"We're _not_ working together." I stated. Near didn't say anything to this, he just continued twirling his hair.

"I see." He chewed his thumbnail for a moment, pondering what to do next. "Well… if neither of you want to me help me with _that_ case, how about another one?" He told us details about another case—this one in Australia—that I hadn't even _heard_ of yet, but of course, that stupid brat _Near_ was already fully aware of. I could punch that little albino….

"I'm thinking that this isn't thought out enough to be conducted by a large organization," Near stated after L had rambled for a good five minutes.

"Is that so? I had been thinking the same thing," L remarked. I remained silent, not really knowing what to say.

"I also think it's a mostly-spontaneous thing."

"Yes, I agree. There are just too many clues left around for it to be planned to far in advance."

I finally snapped. "If there are so many clues, how come you can't figure it out? Huh, L?" I shouted.

"I'm sorry, Mello, I didn't realize you knew anything about this. Please tell me your thoughts on all of this. I'd love to know."

"I…." Was he being sarcastic or was he actually serious? "God dammit." I cursed under my breath as I stood up. I dropped my head to avoid seeing Near or L's reaction, but I could feel their cold, emotionless eyes watching me. Matt didn't look up until I grabbed his striped sleeve and pulled him up from his chair. He paused the game he was playing before asking if the meeting was over.

The redhead must have figured out what had happened—or at least that_ something _happened—because he apologized as he followed me out of the room. I didn't bother to shut the door. If keeping his identity a secret was so important to L, he could shut the damn door himself.

Matt was silent until we reached the car. He followed me to my side of the car and stopped there, before I realized I was still clutching his sleeve. I let go, and Matt walked around the car before getting in. "Mells, what hap—" He said before starting the car. I cut him off.

"Just drive."

**Ooooo cliffhanger! Kind of… a little bit… not really. **


	5. Sorry

**Before I started writing this chapter, I found out that I actually have watchers for this story.**

**Now I'm scared. **

**Please don't hurt me!**

**I'm really sorry it took me like, forever to update this. I'm moving so a lot of my time was spent putting crap into boxes including—my Death Note manga! Oh noes! T_T **

**I also wasn't really sure where I wanted to go with the story, but I finally decided. You're going to hate me. I'm sorry.**

**And I just want to say in advance—no, I don't hate Mello. I'm sorry.**

**Random side note: When I was typing this up in word, I had written "pokemon" and of course, there was a little red squiggle under the word. I was going to click "add to dictionary", but I noticed that under "spelling suggestions" it said** "**Pokémon". Well done, Microsoft Word, well done. **

**Chapter 5**

Matt's POV

I turned the faucet off, then undressed as I stepped into the warm, bubbly, pink bathwater. Mello wasn't home yet—he'd ran to the store to pick up more chocolate, even though I'd bought him some only a few days ago. This idea had only come to me a few minutes earlier, and while the water level in the tub rose, I debated whether or not I should light candles. Eventually, I decided not to, and instead scattered some fake rose petals on the surface of the water.

It didn't take long for Mello to get home—he drove fast—and as soon as I heard him lock the door behind him, I called out his name. "Mello-kun, home so soon?"

He didn't reply, but soon stood in the same room as me. He removed his rosary and placed it on the counter next to the sink before he started to untie his boots. "Mello-kun, wanna have some fun?" I asked, smirking mischievously and puffing out my bare chest.

"No." It was the first thing I'd heard him say since he got home. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Can I help?" I asked, standing up and leaning over to touch his shoulders. I was now completely exposed, except for the bottom half of my legs.

"No." He repeated, brushing my hands off before he took off his gloves and then stood up as well. He walked a few steps over to the other side of the bathtub and pulled the plug, then grabbed me under the arms and removed me from the bathtub. "Leave."

Before I knew what had happened, I was standing outside of the bathroom, dripping wet, the door a barrier between Mello and myself. "Can I at least have a towel?" I asked.

"No." I heard him turn on the shower—how could he undress so quickly? It took some time getting out of those tight pants, even when _I _was helping him. Then again, maybe he wanted to let the water warm up before he got in. I sighed, then walked naked to the linen closet at the other end of the house. Inside the white-painted closet were stacks of bed sheets, but unfortunately, no bath towels. I sighed yet again, and grabbed one of the sheets and tried to dry my body off, not even bothering to mess with the wet ends of my hair.

The drops of water that fell from my hair to my skin started to bother me, and I debated whether or not I should bother Mello again. Only half-thinking, I wrapped the sheet around my lower half and walked to the bedroom and put on a clean set of clothes. As I dressed, I heard the shower running—maybe, if I was quiet, I could grab a towel without Mello hearing me. I opened the bathroom door, relieved when it made no noise. I took a step into the steamy room and stopped.

Mello wasn't in the shower. Instead, he was kneeling over the toilet, his fingers down his throat. I was in shock; unable to say anything. I looked around the room, not wanting to watch my friend do this to himself. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that the bathtub floor was still wet, although the water had been drained. A few petals stuck to the walls of the tub; the rest lay on the bottom.

Finally, Mello stood and flushed the toilet. "Mihael…" I said, my voice finally back but barely above a whisper. Somehow, even with the deafening roar of the shower, Mello heard me.

He turned to look at me, his eyes wide. Eventually, he spoke. "It's fine, Matt, I just don't feel well. I think I'm coming down with something." He coughed twice into his hand to prove his point.

"Mello, don't lie. I saw you." His eyes grew wider when I said this. "We need to talk."

"Can't I shower first?" He asked, a bit nervously.

"You can shower after." Mello's mouth moved, but I couldn't hear him over the sound of the shower. I walked to the corner of the room, rolled up my sleeve, and reached into the shower. As soon as I put my arm in, I drew it back. "Shit!" The water was hot. After only a few seconds of contact, my arm was bright red. I turned the knob marked "cold" as far as it would go, careful not to touch the stream of water as I did so, and waited for the water to cool before turning it off.

I looked back at Mello, then got a washcloth out of the cabinet below the sink and soaked it with warm water. I wrung the dark cloth out then used it to wash off Mello's face and hands. "There," I said, throwing the wet washcloth in the sink.

"Matt," Mello was sitting down, his back against the wall between the bathtub and the sink, hugging his knees to his chest. He didn't look at me when he spoke. "Can I have a glass of water?"

I nodded once, then walked to the kitchen and pulled a glass from one of the shelves above the counter. I watched the water level in the glass rise then turned the faucet off when the glass was about three-quarters full. I brought the water—no ice, just the way Mello liked—to the bathroom and handed it to the blonde. He took it and drank about half of it before setting it up on the edge of the sink.

"Mello, how long has this been going on?" I asked as I sat down beside him.

"I… this is my first time." He gave a fake half-smile.

"I don't believe you." He didn't offer another answer, so I continued. "Look, I just want you to be honest, okay? I promise I won't be mad."

"It hasn't been that long…."

"Mello. How long?" I said each word as if it were its own sentence.

"Two…two and a half months." He said after some hesitation.

"Shit, Mello… that's a long time." Now that I took a good look at him, he _did_ appear thinner… how much of what he ate did he actually keep in him? I shook my head. "How the hell did I never notice…?" I asked, more to myself than to him.

"I… I usually only did it after you went to sleep."

I gave him an incredulous look, but he still wouldn't look at me so he didn't notice. "When were you planning on telling me?"

He finally looked me in the eyes, but it was a look that said he thought I was a complete idiot. "I wasn't."

Of course he wasn't. "Mello… Mello, why do you do this to yourself?"

"I…." He closed his eyes, and I thought it was because he was tired, but then I saw a single tear roll down his cheek. Mello was crying. I knew he could get a little emotional at times, but he usually vented his emotions through shouting and hitting and kicking. After all the years I'd known him, I'd never seen him cry before.

"Mello…." I brought my arm around his shoulders and pulled him close to me. Although I was trying to be comforting, Mello pushed me away. Of course, I should have expected that—this was Mello, after all. It wasn't like he was going to cry into my chest like a stupid hormonal schoolgirl.

I tried again, this time being more gentle. I put an arm around his shoulders and then used my free hand to stroke his hair. I wouldn't ever tell Mello this, but I thought it was cute how he liked getting his hair stroked. It was… girly, almost.

"Mello, it's okay. I'm not mad. I don't think any less of you. You're still—and always will be—the badass Mello I've known since Wammy's." He smiled a little at this, and I brought him just a bit closer to me. He didn't pull away this time. "Mello… why are you doing this?" I asked again, since he hadn't given me an answer before.

He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "I… it's not… it isn't really important."

"It must be, for you to…."

"Make myself puke?"

I nodded. Mello always was one to be blunt.

He sighed again, trying to think of the right words to say. "It's kind of complicated. The first time I did it, I didn't really know what I was doing, and all I really did was make my throat hurt bad the next day. That was pretty much the reason I did it again, except that time I threw up more and it kind of went downhill from there."

"But… that first night… what made you want to do it in the first place?" I tried to make my voice as calm and gentle as possible, hoping I wasn't prying too deep.

He half-laughed, half-scoffed before he spoke. "It was a really stupid reason… but it made sense to me back then, I guess. L… L had called me and told me he was working with Near on something and he wanted to know if I would work with them."

"Weren't you happy about that?"

"Well…." He blinked a few times, and I thought he would cry again. In an attempt to comfort him, I grabbed his hand which had been resting in his lap. He looked shocked at first, but then continued. "I was glad L wanted me to help them, but I was really mad at the time… he was already working with Near."

"So?"

"He'd asked Near before he asked me. I'd been his second choice."

"Oh." In a weird way, it seemed to make sense. "Look, I'm sure it wasn't like that, he probably just—"

"It doesn't matter anymore, Matt. It happened and now it's over."

I nodded. "Right."

"Are we done now?" He asked impatiently.

"Yeah, I guess." Mello started to stand when I stopped him. "Wait… promise me you'll stop this, okay? If you need to talk I'm here. If I'm asleep, wake me up. If I'm not at home, call me. Just please don't do this anymore."

He nodded, but said nothing, and then stood again.

"How do you feel?" I asked, also standing.

He thought for a moment, then replied, "Dirty." He turned on the shower and started to undress, and I took that as my cue to leave.

"I love you." I whispered as I walked out.

To kill time while Mello was in the shower, I took out my Gameboy Color—I was feeling old school—and let my mind wander. I had just caught another Pokémon when I checked the time. It had already been nearly forty minutes. I turned off my game—after I'd saved it, of course—and cautiously walked to the bathroom to check on my friend.

Fortunately, he actually _was_ in the shower this time. Unfortunately, he was unconscious. I rushed over to him and turned off the water, barely noticing how hot it was. His skin was bright red and slick with water. I placed a few towels on the bathroom tile, then carried Mello out of the shower and laid his body down carefully on top of the green towels.

Although he had somehow lost consciousness, I didn't think he'd been burned from the shower and decided it was best to just dry him off, get him dressed and let him rest for a while. I got another towel from the cabinet and patted him dry, being as careful as possible as I did so. Then, I went to our bedroom and opened the closet. I didn't even want to try to get him into any of his leather, and I couldn't find his other clothes, so I decided I'd let him wear mine. I didn't think he'd mind too much.

As soon as he was clothed, I carried him over to the bed and tucked him in. I wasn't tired, but I crawled up next to him anyway. His breath was cool on my skin as I watched his chest rise and fall. He always looked so calm, so peaceful when he was asleep. After a while, I started stroking his hair again.

"Sweet dreams, Mel."

**The "fortunately… unfortunately" thing comes from a joke my Grandma told me. **

**There were two pilots flying one day. Unfortunately, the engine quit. Fortunately, they had a parachute. Unfortunately, the parachute didn't open. Fortunately, there was a haystack on the ground. Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork sticking out of the hay. Fortunately, they missed the pitchfork. Unfortunately, they missed the haystack.**

…**Not funny…? I'm sorry.**

**Reviews make the story suck less!**

***Runs and hides until next update***


	6. Brat

**Just a warning, there's more language in this chapter than in others. **

**On a side note, I just got my hair cut the other day. I wanted the back to be cut kind of like Rena's from Higurashi, and the bangs to be like Kaede's from Shuffle. Instead, I now look like a brown-haired Mello XD**

**Chapter 6**

Mello's POV

I woke up with Matt's arm around me and my head on his chest. Although I kind of wanted to pretend to be asleep so I could stay by Matt, I sat up and yawned, pretending not to notice the position I had been sleeping in. "Morning Mells." Matt smiled, his hands now tucked behind his head. "Feeling better?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, stretching, before I realized what he meant. "Oh. That. Right. Yeah, I'm fine." I got out of bed and went to get changed. I stopped as soon as I saw myself in the mirror. I was wearing _stripes._ _Matt's_ stripes. "Matt… why am I…?"

"You passed out in the shower; I couldn't find any of your clothes besides your leather so I let you wear mine."

"Oh." I paused. "Thanks." I said softly.

Matt mumbled something that I couldn't understand, then walked over to where I was standing. The redhead hugged me from behind and kissed me on the cheek before pulling away and asking me what I wanted for breakfast.

"I'm not hungry," I replied.

"You need to eat something. I don't want you starving yourself, too." He said as he walked out to the kitchen and started to make toast.

"I'm not starving myself." I groaned as I sat down at the wooden table near the center of the ugly, off-white room.

"You're not eating." He said as he set a blue plate with a few slices of buttered toast near me.

I picked one up and took a bite out of it, just to make my point. "Eating." I spit the chewed bread out a few seconds later. "That tastes like shit."

He sighed. "Do you want some chocolate?"

I thought about it for a moment. Chocolate _did_ sound good right now…. Before I could answer, Matt had already gotten a bar out of the pantry and set it down in front of me. I took it and started to unwrap it when Matt said, "You have to keep that in you, okay?"

I nodded, but said nothing. Although I was too tired to put up any sort of fight, I had enough energy to cross my fingers under the table. Matt sat down in the chair next to me as I bit into my chocolate. We sat for a while in total silence, except for the sound of chewing and a few birds singing outside. A few minutes after I'd eaten my chocolate, Matt finally spoke.

"Mello, I talked to Near yesterday and—"

"You told _Near?_" I said, raising my voice.

"Let me finish. I talked to Near yesterday and he thinks it would be good for you to talk to someone about… you know."

"Talk to someone? What the hell, Matt?" I slammed my hand down on the table, then stood up, knocking my chair over as I did so.

"Wait!" Matt stood up as well and grabbed my wrist. "Mello, Near really cares about you. And I do too. We're worried about you."

"Well, don't be." I said, trying to pull away. His grip was too strong, and I stayed put.

"Mello…."

"Look, I don't see why the hell you care, anyway."

He gave me a confused look before saying, "I love you." Dammit. There was that "L" word again. How could he say it so easily? How could he be absolutely certain he was right? And, that question that always haunted me… did I love Matt?

"Let go of me." I said, again trying to break free of his hold.

"Oh. Sorry." He said, releasing my arm.

I rubbed my wrist where he had held me—his grip had been rather tight—then turned my back to him and walked away. "I'm going to take a shower," I said quickly, before he could do anything to stop me.

I got out of the shower about a half hour later. I wrapped a towel around my waist, then walked to the sink and plugged in my blow dryer. When my hair was dry and combed and I was dressed (in Matt's clothes yet again), I stepped out of the bathroom. That was a mistake. Sitting on the floor in front of the door was none other than Near himself.

"What are _you_ doing here?" I spat, though my voice was a bit hoarse.

"Matt called me. He wanted me to talk to you."

"Matt doesn't know what he wants." I replied as I walked past the albino. I stopped when I felt something—or rather, some_one_ grab my pant leg.

"Mello, tell me what's going on." He said it like it was a command; like I didn't have a choice. Near wasn't the boss of me. He couldn't tell me what to do.

"No." I said, pulling my leg free.

"Mello." That wasn't Near's voice. I turned to face Matt, who had apparently been sitting on our bed the whole time, even though I'd never noticed him. "Near and I are trying to help you, okay? Please don't walk out on us."

I hesitated, before saying, "Fuck off, Matt. I don't need help."

"Why'd you need to shower right away? Didn't you shower just last night?"

"I didn't do anything bad, okay?" I said, my voice gradually growing louder.

"Then why the hell'd you have to lock the door?"

"Why the hell did you tell _Near_?"

"Near actually _cares _about you, Mello."

"Just how stupid are you, _Matt_?"

"Mello, I'd just like to say that Matt is in fact correct." Near cut in.

"_What_?" I said, shocked.

"I think of Mello as… a friend." Near stated, his voice devoid of any emotion.

I took a step closer to the spot where he was sitting, and, after realizing he wasn't going to back away, I kept walked towards him until I hovered above the white boy. Grabbing his shirt collar and pulling his feet off the ground, I growled, "You think we're _friends_?" Before he could answer, I punched him in the jaw. He reached for his face, and I punched him again. This time, his nose began to bleed.

"Mello, stop!" Matt leaped off the bed and pulled me away from Near, but not before I punched him again in the eye.

"Matt, let go of me!" I screamed, struggling to break free of his hold. His arms came under mine and pulled them back so I couldn't hit Near any more, but my legs were still unrestricted. Not thinking about Matt behind me, I crouched and kicked Near in the chest. All three of us fell backwards, Near hitting his head on a table as he went down.

Matt landed beside me instead of underneath me and hurried over to Near before I slowly sat up. Near was also sitting, rubbing the back of his head, looking a little dazed. I couldn't see his eyes, but I was sure there had to be some kind of pain in them. What I wouldn't give to see _any_ emotion in that fucker's eyes….

"Are you alright?" Matt asked as he helped Near stand up. "Do you want me to drive you to the doctor?"

"No, I should be fine. Mello didn't hurt me much."

"Want your left eye to match your right?" I asked, pointing to the purple bruise spreading across his face.

Matt grabbed my shirt—or rather, _his _shirt—and pulled me towards him. I stumbled forward and nearly fell into him. Although I was a bit taller than him, I had to look up at him—probably because I was shaking a little. I'd never seen Matt act so… scary. "Mello, leave Near alone. You've done enough." His voice was barely a whisper, but it made my heart pound nonetheless.

When Matt was done scaring the crap out of me, he pushed me back and walked Near outside. "You sure you're okay? I can drive you to see a doctor before we go home if you want."

"I'll be fine." Near said something else that I couldn't understand, before saying, "Should you leave Mello by himself?" By that time, Near and Matt were outside, and I wasn't able to hear anything after that.

Maybe Near actually _did_ want to help me… but that brat was still nothing but a brat, and I didn't want any help from someone like him, anyway.

…So now I was home alone. Near lived about ten or fifteen minutes away, so it'd be a while before Matt got back. I slipped back into the bathroom for a few minutes and was completely relaxed when Matt returned later, both of us pretending nothing had happened.

**I apologize to any Near fans out there. I've said before that I don't really like Near, but that's not entirely true. I like Near **_**some of the time. **_**Unfortunately for Near, I didn't really like him today XD**

**Reviews make Matt less scary! :D**


	7. Fluff

**This chapter is really short. I'm sorry. It doesn't have much plot, either, but there's some kind of cute stuff at the end ^_^**

**Chapter 7**

Mello's POV

Matt and I didn't really speak much for a few days. There was the occasional "can you hand me the newspaper" or "I'm going out for a smoke" but other than that it was pretty much silent in the house. The silence bothered me. Bad things happened when it was silent. What if Matt was mad at me? Although even I myself found it hard to believe sometimes, I really didn't like fighting that much, especially not with Matt.

The quiet between us became too much and I finally broke it. "Matt?" I paused, not sure if he heard me or not. He was still lost in his game. I sighed, figuring it was better to just get this over with. "I'm sorry." I mumbled, my voice low, hoping he wouldn't hear me.

He paused his game and looked over at me. "Mello… why did you have to do that to Near?"

Not this question. I should have known it was coming. I sighed. It wasn't like I'd _wanted_ to hurt him—well, maybe a little bit, but that's not the point. I was just angry, and I didn't like that brat to begin with. "Near said he wasn't hurt that much; I don't see what the big deal is."

"I took him to the doctor. He has three broken ribs and half of his face is bruised."

Matt's words had more force than I thought they would. Broken ribs? I didn't kick him that hard… did I? Wait… was Matt afraid I'd hurt him, too? Who was to know that I wasn't? For all I knew, I was an evil, vicious monster who was only capable of destroying things.

"Mello?" Matt's voice brought me back to Earth. "I want you to apologize to Near, okay?"

"I'm not going to—!" I started, but the look on Matt's face said he was serious. I sighed. "Look, Matt, I doubt Near really cares. If he still thinks we're friends after all the shit I've done to him—" My angry expression softened for a moment. I'd really been a bitch to Near, hadn't I? But that brat was always in my way, always one step ahead of me… but did that give me a reason to hate him? Why, I wonder, does Matt even stick around with me? I know there's been more than one time I've said things to him I regret. "Mail…?"

His eyes lit up when I said his name—his _real_ name—and he didn't look quite so angry now. "What is it?"

"Mail… do you still love me?"

"Of course I still love you, Mello. That'll never change." He paused. "But I don't want you to hurt anyone. Including yourself." He grabbed one of my hands with both of his. "Okay?"

I looked him straight in the eyes for a moment or two, then turned my head so I wasn't facing him. "Yeah, whatever."

It was quiet for a few moments until Matt spoke again. "Mello?" I looked back at him, waiting for him to finish. "Mello, you love me, right?"

Shit. Why was it always this question? Why the hell didn't I _know_? I'd been living with Matt for _how long_, now, and I still didn't know how I felt about him?

"You don't have to answer now. But, Mello, if you do love me… can you promise me you'll get better?"

Dammit. Why did he have to care so much about me? Why couldn't he just hate me like everybody else on the whole damn planet? It'd be a lot simpler that way.

"Mello?"

"Nnn?"

"Can you promise me that?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so." He paused, waiting for me to say something more. "I promise." I mumbled, hoping I didn't sound girly when I said that.

Matt nodded, satisfied, and then pulled me in for a hug. Although I rarely like affection, I didn't pull away. I even_ hugged him back_. We broke away, but not for long. Matt pulled me back into him and kissed me on the lips. "I love you, Mello."

**Awwwwww :) Reviews make Near feel better and Mello less violent! :D**


	8. Angst

**First off, I apologize for not updating in a while. I suck, I know, I'm sorry. I've been really busy with school and marching band and crap. Anyway, here's the new chapter :) I hope this one makes up for the fact that it took me forever to finish writing it….**

**Since I kind of mentioned marching band, do any of you wanna be super-awesome and wish our band luck? A **_**lot**_** of luck? We kind of… ummm… haven't been doing so well at the last two competitions ._. I don't want this year to be like last year T_T**

**Oh, I don't know if I've said this or not, but Matt and Mello and Near and everyone are adults in this. Matt's about 19 and Mello's 20. That would make Near 18 (I think). I still refer to Near as a boy in this, though, because he looks just too young to be called a man. He's still adowable either way :3**

**And this chapter was originally going to be fluffy, but now it's just really angsty. You've been warned.**

**Chapter 8**

Mello's POV

I couldn't sleep that night. I felt guilty sleeping next to Matt, especially after I'd really thought about our talk earlier that night. Why was it so hard to figure out how I felt about him? We'd been living together for over a year; we'd slept together on more than one occasion… and not once had I whispered those three words to him.

After hours of trying to fall asleep, I finally rolled on my back and tucked my arm under my head. I held the other one up to the ceiling and looked at my hand. It had no claws, no animal fur—it was a normal human hand._ I_ was human. All humans were capable of love, right?

…So then, why wasn't I?

"You can't sleep either?" The sound of Matt's voice startled me.

"N-no."

He sighed. "Mello, I'm sorry."

"For what?" Falling in love with a dumbass?

"Well, I'm not really sure." He laughed softly, then turned serious. "But you're obviously stressed about something. If that's my fault, then I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault."

He was silent a moment. "Okay. I believe you." He kissed me lightly on the cheek. "You try and get some sleep, okay?"

I thought about making some snide comment about how I'd already been trying to sleep, but I found myself drifting away before I got the chance.

It was quiet when Matt and I stepped into the cold, white room. White. All I could see was white. White walls, white ceilings, white curtains, white floors, white bed sheets, and whiter than anything else, a mop of white hair on a white pillow. In the middle of the colorless room, Matt and I stuck out like… well, like we stuck out anywhere else.

"Hello, Matt. Mello." Near acknowledged our presence without even looking in our direction. He was lying on his back, covers up to his chin, the back of his head facing us.

"Near." I growled, my fists clenched. I'd come here to do something good, and the sound of that brat's voice had already thrown me off course. He really had a way to bring out the worst in me.

I took a step closer to Near's bed, then felt a hand on my arm. "Mello, calm down." Matt spoke softly, gently. "Please."

"Near… I…." I started to speak with gritted teeth.

"What is it you want, Mello?"

His words, although they had no bad meaning behind them, made me snap. I clenched my fist and closed the gap between the white boy and I, ready to punch him in the back of his fluffy head. I stopped when he rolled his head to face me and I saw the purple splotch around his eye.

I sighed, letting my hand drop to my side. "Near…." I tried again. "Near, I'm sorry."

He blinked twice, then asked, "Is that all?"

You'd think after I'd put him in the hospital he'd learn not to get on my nerves. I was about to say something crude when Matt interrupted. "Yes, Mello wanted to apologize to you, Near. He's really sorry."

Matt elbowed me in the ribs. "Y-yeah, I'm… I'm sorry."

Near was silent a moment, then said, "Okay." That was it. "Okay." No "I-forgive-you"s or "Don't-worry-about-it"s or anything. Just "okay".

We stood there a little while longer. Finally, I spoke up. "Matt, let's go home." We walked out of the room silently and left Near alone.

"I'm proud of you," Matt said while he drove us home.

"For what?"

"For apologizing to Near. And for not hurting him any more."

"I wasn't going to do anything to him." I rolled my eyes.

"You looked like you were."

I shook my head. "C'mon Matt, even _I'm_ not that cruel."

Matt shrugged. "Either way, I'm proud of you."

The rest of the drive was pretty quiet. Matt turned up the radio once when a good song came on and we both sang along. When we finally got home, Matt unlocked the door and I followed him inside. As soon as I shut the front door behind me, Matt had pushed my body up against it. He leaned in for a long kiss, during which he ran his hands through my hair and over my face. I closed my eyes, put my hands behind his head, and kissed back.

His hands slowly started trailing downward, and I thought he was never going to stop. He did, though, just before he reached the zipper on my vest. Before I knew what had happened, he had pulled away. I was still a little dazed, so I had to stop and think before I spoke. "What was that for?"

"That's for being so damn sexy." There was an odd expression on his face, one that looked almost evil, but before I could determine what exactly it was, it vanished. "I'm gonna go cook supper, okay?"

"You _cooking_? That's a scary thought, Matt." I said, only half-joking. The last time he tried to cook, he'd set off the fire alarm.

He rolled his eyes, probably only half-joking, then told me I could lie down while he made supper; I looked very tired today.

**Matt's POV**

Even though only ten or fifteen minutes had passed since Mello had gone to lie down, he had already fallen asleep. He was resting peacefully, the covers pulled up to his chin. I didn't want to wake him up, but I didn't know how long it'd be before he awoke himself, so after some thought, I walked over to the bed and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "Melly? Mello, wake up, baby." He groaned softly, then opened his eyes and sat up. I noticed he had changed into one of _my_ shirts before he had gone to sleep…but decided not to say anything. "Feel better?"

He thought for a moment, but then smiled a bit and nodded. "Yeah, I needed that. Thanks."

I shrugged. "No problem. You looked exhausted."

"I _feel_ exhausted. Near takes a lot out of me, you know."

"I'll bet." I said, extending my arm out to Mello. He took it and slowly stood up. "You hungry? I made chocolate waffles." I sang.

Mello frowned and shook his head. "I don't feel too well. Sorry."

To say the least, I was disappointed. Chocolate waffles were Mello's favorite. Well, besides actual chocolate, that was. I sighed. "Please, Mello? I haven't seen you eat in God knows how long."

"Well, I _do_." He said irritably.

"Prove it to me," I challenged.

He glared at me, and for a second or two I was afraid he would do to me what he did to Near… but he didn't. Instead, he fell into me and let me lead him to our worn, black couch. He plopped down on the left side of the couch, and tried to pull me down with him. "Matt, don't you wanna have some fun?" He words sounded genuine, but I could see in his eyes that he only wanted to try to get out of the current situation.

"Later," I said, then walked to the kitchen. I returned to Mello with a plate of waffles and some hot chocolate I'd made earlier. I set the two objects down on the coffee table in front of the couch, then sat down next to Mello.

He crossed his arms and stared at the table. "I still don't like that color." Mello and I had argued about the table's color for weeks. It was a light brown wood, but Mello had wanted the one with a darker finish. He said that the light color seemed off in our house, which it probably did, but he had gotten to pick the couch when we had moved in, so I said it was only fair to let me pick out our coffee table.

However, that was beside the point. Mello was only trying to create distractions. Instead of saying anything more to him, I simply picked up the fork laying on the edge of the plate and cut the corner of the waffle off and offered it to my friend. He glared at me before turning his head the other direction. I sighed. "Mello, can you please at least _try_ eating something?"

His angry expression faltered. "I told you Matt, I really just don't feel well."

After carefully setting the fork down, I scooted closer to the blonde. I rubbed his back—had his ribs always stuck out like that?—and told him to relax. Finally, I said, "Do you want to go lie back down for a little while longer?"

He thought about it for a moment, then nodded. I told him I was going to clean up and I'd be with him in a minute. He said okay, then walked back to our shared room. I washed the dishes before following him. I flicked on the light and saw him lying on his side clutching his abdomen. I didn't realize he'd been in that much pain.

"Mells, are you all right?" I asked, trying to mask the concern in my voice—but I knew I was failing. In the darkened living room I hadn't noticed, but now that we were in the light, he really did look sick. All of his skin was pale; a huge contrast from his ice-blue eyes and the bags underneath them.

"I'm… fine…." He said through gritted teeth.

"Do you want me to rub your tummy? You'd feel better," I sang.

He opened his mouth, and I thought he would say no, but just then another wave of pain washed over him. "O-okay." He said weakly, rolling onto his back. I lied down next to him and he waited a few more moments before he finally moved his arms to his sides.

I slowly pushed his shirt—or _my_ shirt, rather—up a few inches and moved my hand in circular motions over his skin, trying to think of positive things, instead of how thin he had gotten.

It wasn't long before he fell asleep. Though the entire house was quiet, I barely heard his soft breathing. I knew he'd probably kill me for this, but I decided to lay his head on my chest anyway. I ran my fingers through his long, blonde hair and sang to him softly before I drifted off myself.

**For the record, I think guys look really cute when they're sleeping.**

…**Not that I watch guys sleep, or anything like that….**

**Reviews make Mello less self-destructive and make Matty even cuter! :D**


	9. Teh End :3

**Ummm… so I kind of got sidetracked and I haven't written in a while. I'm a terrible person, I know. Anyway, I decided how I wanted this to end, but I never started to write it until now.**

**Also: I don't know if any of you prayed for our band or anything, but if one of you DID, then I appreciate it very **_**very**_** much ^ ^ We did really good this weekend at our competition two weeks ago and placed FIRST, and that's the reason I finally decided to write this.**

…**Buuuut I kinda forgot it was still band season, and that we had one more competition along with practices, so that's why it's been over a week since I started writing this. I'm sorry T_T I really am.**

**This chapter kinda gets super-angsty, so here's something cute I found on google to make up for it ^ ^**

** (****ノ****口****°)****ノ****  
>6 <strong>**ノ****(°****口****ノ****)  
>(<strong>**ノ****益****°)****ノ****︵****9  
>p <strong>**ノ****(°****益****ノ****) What's that, letter p? You wanna get flipped too?  
>(<strong>**ノ****益****°)****ノ****︵****d**

** Also, there's a random Stephen King reference in here. It's kind of obscure, so if you can find then I'll give you a cookie :3**

**Chapter 9**

**Matt's POV**

It was still pretty dark out when Mello woke up. The sun was barely visible over the horizon. I had my arm around my boyfriend, and was using my free hand to play my silver Gameboy advance. Even with only one hand, I could still kick some butt.

I felt Mello start to stir, and I paused my game. "Awake already?" I asked, smiling.

He nodded. "How long have you been up?" I could hear curiosity in his voice. I _never_ woke up early unless he made me.

"I don't think very long." I stopped, thinking. "I guess I really don't know. Have you been awake long?"

He shook his head. "Just woke up."

"Does your tummy still hurt?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I'm fine." He started to sit up, but I pulled him back so that he was lying on top of me. I craned my head up so that my face was close to his and kissed him on the corner of his lips.

"I love you," I sang.

He still looked dazed, but then snapped out of it. "Ummm… that was random." He said without returning my words, and I was starting to wonder if he ever would. I looked at him a few moments more, trying not to look too disappointed, then returned to my game.

He started to walk away, then swung back around on his heels and sat down beside me on the bed. "What's the matter?" I asked, still staring at the screen.

He sighed, and I thought he wasn't going to say anything. Finally, he did. "Could you turn that off? I wanna talk to you about something."

I did as he requested, then sat up, more than a little concerned. Mello was_ not_ one to talk about things. "What is it?"

"I… I haven't been completely honest with you, Matty." I smiled a little at that last word. He hasn't called me Matty in a long time.

"Honest about what?"

"I… you know how I told you I've only been making myself sick for a few weeks?"

"You told me months, but go on."

"Months, right." He cleared his throat. "Well, that's not true. I've been doing it for a lot longer."

"How long?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.

"Since… since Wammy's."

My jaw dropped. I knew it had to have been a while, but _that_ long? "How… Mello, you're sneaky, but you aren't _that_ sneaky. I would have caught you sometime. We shared a room for years, Melly."

"I… you _did_ catch me, Matt."

"I don't remember…"

"That's because I lied to you."

"_What_?" I was more confused than angry at this point, but the tone of my voice made it sound otherwise.

"I… when I was thirteen or fourteen, I downed an entire bottle of ipecac in the middle of the night. You woke up and tried to get me to go to the nurse, but I told you I caught the flu from somewhere and if you told I'd get in trouble."

"...Mello, why didn't you _tell_ me? I could have helped you, you know."

He looked down, ashamed, before he spoke. "I… I didn't want to tell you. I thought you'd laugh at me."

"Why would I laugh at you? You're my best friend, Mihael."

"Because I'm fucking _pathetic_, Mail!" He screamed. "Do you think I _wanted_ to be the kid who makes himself throw up? Do you think I _wanted_ to get this sick and skinny and out of control and—"

I heard a sob barely escape his throat before he cut himself off. Did he really want to be sick? No, I didn't think he did. "Mello, why do you still do that to yourself?"

He ran his fingers through his hair, nervous. "I… This is going to sound stupid, but… I know it's wrong, but I feel like if I do this… it's something _Near_ would never do, you know, so I kind of feel like there's finally something I can do that he can't." He paused. "I'm sorry, that doesn't make any sense. Forget I said anything." He stood up but I pulled him back down yet again.

"It makes a _little_ sense. Mello, why are you telling me this?"

"Because I'm _scared_, Mail!" I looked into his eyes and saw more than fear. He was confused, angry, hurt. For a few seconds I saw something else flicker in his eyes, but he looked away before I could figure out what it was. "Matt," He started, then mumbled something else that I couldn't understand.

I sighed. "Mello, I can't do anything for you if you don't try to do anything for yourself. You have to want help before I can give it."

I heard him sniffle once, and I thought he was going to refuse like he had so many times before, but instead I heard him say, "Okay."

I blinked twice, making sure I'd heard him right. "R-really?"

He looked back at me, confused, then nodded. "I'm gonna go shower and get dressed and stuff, okay?"

I nodded, then kissed him on the cheek before he stood up to leave. When I heard the shower turn on, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Near and asked him if he'd come talk to Mello today, as he was getting out of the hospital. Near agreed, and said he'd be over in the afternoon.

Mello would hate me for this, but I really thought it'd be good for him.

With any luck, he wouldn't kill me when this was over.

"How is Mello-kun today?" Near finally asked. We had been sitting in total silence—well, Mello had been pacing—everyone could feel how awkward it was, but nobody wanted to be the one to speak up.

"I'm… _fine_…." Mello replied through gritted teeth… after some hesitation, of course. The room was silent again for a few moments until Mello said, "How are _you_… Near?" He held the "r" in Near's name like he was trying to growl it.

"I'm all right. I'd be better if Mello would stop trying to be friendly to me."

"You _don't_ want me to be friendly?" Mello asked, and the evil glint that I could just barely see in his eyes scared me a little.

"I would like that, yes, but I would like it better if Mello would act how he wants to around me in order to make Mello feel more comfortable."

Mello made like he was going to do something both he and I would regret, then stopped. "This is really stupid, isn't it?" He sighed. "I've hated you for years now, all because you've been better than me. And I _know_ you always will be better than me, Near. I don't see why I don't just give up." He had been standing still since we began talking, but he was back to pacing now.

"That isn't true, Mello." The words Near spoke made Mello wheel around to face Near.

"What did you just say?"

"Mello tries very hard, and I think that's an honorable quality. Also, Mello has been very lucky in life," He nodded at me, and I could feel myself blush. _Mello_ was lucky? Near doesn't know what he's talking about, _I'm _the lucky one in this relationship.

"I…. Thank you, Near. Thank you." Mello gave a sad smile as he spoke with total sincerity, sincerity that I'm sure even Near was able to pick up on. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Near smile for the first time. Behind him, Mihael Keehl slowly raised his hands and placed them over his face.

He stood there like that for a long time.

I had gone to bed before Mello, but I hadn't been able to get to sleep, so I just lied there until I felt him crawl in beside me. He didn't say anything, and I was too tired to start a conversation, so I just shifted so I was lying on my side and held him before we both fell asleep.

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night, and realized Mello must have woken up too, as he wasn't in bed beside me. I stood and stretched, then panicked when I saw the bathroom light on. Sure, Mello could have just gone to the bathroom like any normal person… but you couldn't blame me for worrying, not after what I'd seen him do.

Unfortunately, my worrying had not been in vain. Mello was lying on the floor between the bathroom and the bedroom, and I couldn't tell if he was conscious or not. My heart sank as soon as I saw him lying there. It plunged further when I saw blood at the corner of his lips.

I didn't know what had happened, but it couldn't have been anything good. He needed to get help _sometime_, if not now. I picked him up in my arms and started walking to the car. "Mail," He said, just after we had stepped outside. The wind was blowing so hard it almost carried his words away, but I listened hard so I could hear him. "I love you."

**Yay, happy ending! :3 **

**Well, actually, not really. It's pretty bittersweet, because Mello finally tells his Mattykins he loves him, but by this point he's really sick and all :( I'm **_**really**_** not good at writing happy endings (or endings in general) so that's why you got this. Yes, this is going to be the end. I have a bunch of one-shots I'm working on right now, but since ****I have a short attention span**** I get really busy sometimes I don't know when those will be finished :/**

**Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope you liked my story, or at the very least, didn't hate it enough that you're going to find me and torture me. **

**As of this Monday, our band season will pretty much be officially over, so I'll have more time to write :) Wish us luck for our indoor marching show!**


	10. Rebirth

**Okay. I'm sure you're all pretty darn confused as to why there's a new chapter when I said that the last one would be the end. I can explain. **

**I really want to make my writing suck less, so I'm gonna try to write more and use "smart person words" etc. And I really wanted to write something super-angsty, but I didn't want to become a really cliché fanfic author, so I've decided I'll just revise this :3 The author notes are going to be shorter, and the chapters (hopefully) longer, because I doubt most people really want to read about my life. If they did, they'd ask for my diary, not a fanfiction. Anyway. **

**The plot for this is going to be the same, but less… cliché. If possible. And I want to go more in-depth with Mello's and Matt's thoughts and whatnot and use more description. But I guess that's kind of implied when I said I wanted to write longer stories OTL**

**I'm gonna update this instead of completely start over with the story, meaning that the old chapters will still be up until this baby is all revised, fanfiction 2.0. Oh, and if I didn't mention, that old version was my **_**first**_** fanfic. And I really don't want it to suck. I think I'll still state the POV at the beginning of the chapter, though, so don't worry :P**

**/end "shorter" author note – Here's the longer chapter! :D **

**Wait, no, not yet… Please review. It really motivates me and crap. And constructive criticism is the reason I get out of bed in the morning! No, wait, that's band rehearsals T_T**

…**But I still like constructive criticism. **

**Fun fact: The name of this chapter is "Rebirth", which is also the name of the first episode of Death Note :3 Sadly enough, neither Matt nor Mello are in that episode :/**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Death Note.**

**If you actually read all of this, you get a cookie. You're awesome.**

Mello's POV

My hands ached. My neck was sore. My head ached. And that stupid video game Matt was playing in the living room with the volume turned up was _not_ helping. "Matt! For the last time, you'd better mute your god dammed game before I put a bullet through the TV screen!" I shouted, then groaned, softly. My throat hurt, too.

Although he _did_ turn the volume down a few notches—really, it wasn't that much of a difference—he obviously didn't bother listening to my entire request. Demand, rather. "_Matt!_ I _said_, turn that _down!_ I'm trying to read case notes, and that crappy 8-bit soundtrack is making things really—" The room went silent. Not at first—there was a little _ping_ sound just before that, signaling that the game had just been paused.

Mere seconds later, Matt was standing in our bedroom, leaning against the doorframe, his hands in his pockets. His hair was ruffled and his goggles were up on top of his head instead of his face like they often were. He wasn't wearing baggy jeans like he usually did around the house. Damn, he looked sexy. If I wasn't pretending to be mad at him….

That's right, I was mad at him.

"What are you _doing_?" I asked, my tone sounding much more bitter than it usually did. Though I wouldn't dare say anything, I felt kind of bad for barking at Matt.

"I… you don't read, Mello."

For the first time all day, I didn't have anything to say. No, I don't usually read. But a case like this doesn't usually come up, either. It was one that lay mostly undiscovered; at least, that's what I'd been told. I'd heard about it from a guy I worked with in the mafia. He had no real interest in cases; not like I did. He'd just been making conversation, something most guys in the mafia—including me—were pretty poor at.

I sighed. "Look Matt… could you just leave me alone? I'm… _studying_." As if that excuse was any better. In an attempt to ignore Matt, and hopefully force him to retreat to the sanctuary known as the living room, I went back to reading notes.

The redhead remained at the door.

"Look, Mells, I don't see why you always have to push yourself so much. It just hurts you—and me—and it never really ends up doing you any good. Why don't you—"

I slammed my hand down on our shared bed, which I was currently lying on. The sudden motion made papers fly out and scatter themselves either on other parts of the bed or fall of the furniture completely. "_Doesn't_ do me any _good_?" I may have been just pretending earlier, but now I was pissed. "You think this doesn't do me any good? That I'm just wasting my time? Back at Wammy's when I studied for _hours_ every night—stayed up _late_ studying—was _that_ all for nothing?"

He tried to cut in, but I wouldn't allow it. "The days I spent ripping myself apart because I was _still_ second-rank and _you_ tried to tell me I'd do better next time—was _that _just a _joke_ to you? When I left the orphanage at fourteen—_fourteen_, Matt—was that for _nothing_? The things I've said, the people I've killed, the lives I've ruined—lives that _can't_ be replaced—_was that for nothing_?" I was starting to think I might be crossing a line, but I went on anyway. "The friends I made, the friends I _hurt_, were _they _for nothing? What about _you_, Matt? When we kissed? When we made love? _Was that for nothing_?"

The line. I'd definitely just crossed it. The look on Matt's face made me regret every single word that had escaped my lips, but I didn't dare take any of them back. It was too late. "Should I keep going?" I said, my voice slightly softer, hoping he wouldn't hear the guilt that I was trying to cover.

Silence seemed to echo throughout the room. Matt kept his head down as he spoke up. "N-no… you've said enough." With that, he sulked out of the room, his neck bent so far it looked as if his head could snap right off his body.

I wished _my _head would snap off right now. Why the hell did I say that? Why do I always take things like this too far? Burying my face in my pillow, I tried not to wallow in self-pity. I was actually doing pretty good, until I felt something warm touch my back.

I looked up; Matt's gaze now steady with my own. He had pulled his goggles back down, so I couldn't read whatever emotions were floating in his eyes. In a gloved hand, he held something that was rectangular and covered in foil-like paper. A chocolate bar.

"Here, to calm you down." He handed me the treat, and I accepted it, a bit hesitantly. He shouldn't act so kind to me all the time. I unwrapped the delicacy and broke off a piece, offering it to Matt. He politely declined. As I popped the chocolate into the cavern of my mouth, the man sitting next to me stepped closer, brushing papers off the bed before sitting down—of course, keeping a safe distance from me. He kept his eyes to the floor as he spoke. "Mells, you didn't really mean what you said just now, did you?"

I groaned. Was he really asking this question? Of course I didn't mean it. I don't mean half the things I say to him when I'm mad; I just say them, well, because I'm mad. "No, I really didn't mean it," I mumbled under my breath, before taking another huge bite of chocolate. For some reason, it tasted more bitter than usual. "No, Matt." Since I was talking with my mouth full, my words were obscured. I didn't care if Matt understood them or not. By now, I'm sure he knew I was no good with apologies.

He sighed, pressing his face into his hands; his elbows resting on his knees. I watched him for a few moments, when I realized how awkward the silence was. There'd never been an awkward silence between the two of us before. Looking towards the opposite wall, I took another bite of chocolate. The snapping sound it made only made the quiet in the room even more tense.

I tried to focus on other things. The chip in the wood on our headboard. The color of the paint on the walls. The spot of white plaster that covered up said walls where we'd had to fix a hole after I'd thrown another fit.

An arm around my shoulders brought me back to reality. The lean, yet muscular arm pulled me in closer to its red-headed owner. "Hey," the man said, his face—just inches from my own—now angled toward me. "Don't get so stressed out all the time, okay?"

His voice sounded low and quiet, not cheerful and carefree like it usually was. He was really feeling hurt about this. "It's not like I _try_ to get pissed off at everything," I said bitterly.

More silence, but this time, there was much less of it than there had been. "Try harder. Not to, I mean." He smirked. "Mells, where'd you find all this stuff?" He asked, withdrawing a bit in order to be able to really look at me.

"What stuff?"

"This… _research_ stuff."

I shrugged. "Internet."

"Of course." Matt spoke sarcasm like it was a second language he'd taken up during his childhood. I guess in a way, it was—but he'd been talking like that all the time I'd known him. "Why are you working so hard on this? You don't seem very interested in the case."

"I'm not." I answered him honestly, not realizing what he was trying to get at.

"This isn't about… well, you know."

I pulled back and looked him straight in the eyes, confused. "About what?"

He fidgeted with his sleeve. "Near."

"_Don't_ talk about Near." I scowled.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, then. You've acted like this ever since Wammy's, and I'm sick of it, Mello. Why can't you see how amazing you are?"

I didn't bother justifying that with a reply. Instead, I picked a few stray papers off of the floor and started re-reading them. Matt must have taken that as his cue to leave, because when I turned to face him again he was gone. "Good to know my opinion matters," He called out from the other room, his voice dripping with cynicism.

"Yeah, yeah. Love you too, Matt." I spoke quietly—at least, quietly enough that Matt wouldn't hear me. I'd never actually told the man that I loved him.

Honestly, I wasn't sure it would be the truth.

Sure, I _liked_ him—both as a friend and as a boyfriend—but did I _love_ him? That was a strong word, and it was one of the toughest to say. Screw it, I decided, right now these case notes were more important.

I fell asleep on said case notes less than five minutes later.

**So… is it better? Again, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.**


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